I was 26 years old and it took every ounce of strength for me to walk out of the courthouse. As I made my way back to the truck I was hoping that nobody could outwardly recognize my tremendous internal pain. Then I heard the absolute last thing that I wanted to hear. “Hey, what are you doing here? How’s married life going?” I turned around to see a childhood friend turned lawyer that was completely unaware of my situation. It wasn’t her fault. She was just being nice. She had no clue that I had literally just finalized my divorce. At 26. Less than 3 years of marriage later and here I was. Practically crawling out of the courthouse holding on to any sliver of composure that I could muster up.
I am sharing my story today as I am hopeful that it will help someone. Life is hard and it makes it a lot harder when you are mislead to believe that you’re in this alone, that nobody else endures the same pain that you feel, and I feel like someone needs to know that they’re going to make it through this. You are going to be okay.
God tried to warn me not to get married but I didn’t listen. He spoke to me through people, through circumstances, and convicted my heart prior to getting married but I didn’t listen. I wasn’t in a close love relationship with God like I needed to be at the time to understand what He was doing. I can see it now but ignored it then because I was selfish, naive, and wanted to do things my way.
With time, my then husband and I realized the mistake that we had made. We got married too young and for the wrong reasons. With our decision being mutual, I assumed that it would be an easy divorce. It was simple in regards to there being no children involved, no fighting over money because we already kept our finances separate, and having been married for such a short time, we didn’t have much to split up. However, it still was not easy. I wasn’t prepared for the pit of hell that I was about to be thrown in.
When you get a divorce, you can’t hide it. It isn’t one of those things that you can keep private no matter how hard you try. Trust me, I tried.
After I realized that I couldn’t outrun my divorce, I turned around and faced it head on. I changed my name. I told my family, close friends, and then waited for the support that I so desperately needed. This is the part that I wasn’t prepared for. My family was not supportive. My lifelong friends who I trusted with my heart, gossiped about me. Ladies at church that I thought I could seek counsel from were overheard talking about me saying “I don’t know about her now, she’s divorced.”
I distinctly remember where I was when I hit rock bottom. I was sitting in my living room in a lawn chair because I didn’t have any living room furniture. I had been rejected, abandoned, felt unlovable, and forgotten about. I couldn’t cry another tear. It was then God tapped me on the shoulder to remind me of His strength being made perfect in my weakness.
“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” II Corinthians 12:9
Holding on to that scripture over the course of the next few months was the air that I breathed. When I felt like life had knocked me down and then let everyone run me over with an 18 wheeler, I held on to that powerful scripture. If you’re going through a divorce or know someone that is, I hope that the following helps you know that you’re not alone. God is always with you and joy still comes in the morning.
“For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy still comes in the morning.”
Psalms 30:5
Friendventory :You’ll need to inventory your friends as divorce will reveal your friend’s true character. A majority of your friends will choose a side. Don’t be hurt when one of your lifelong friends chooses your ex over you. This is not a time to be surrounded by individuals that don’t have your best interest in mind. It stings to know they didn’t choose you but let them go. Not all friends will abandon ship. You’ll find that some people that you lost touch with will hear about your divorce and reach out to you out of genuine sincerity. Pay close attention to who you surround yourself with. Discern their intentions and guard your heart.
Family-When you get a divorce, so does your family. Your parents loose a son or daughter in law, your brothers and sisters loose in laws as well. Try to keep in mind the bigger picture while they are going through your divorce. Many times, when we are grieving we are short sighted and only think about our own emotions and feelings. Yes, you are hurting more than anyone and need the most support however don’t forget that you’re in this together. Be forgiving.
Vengeance-This is a tough one. It is especially hard when you feel like the world is against you and has thrown you out like a bag of garbage. Now is not the time to prove yourself. You are not emotionally stable enough to trust your feelings. Stay hypersensitive to your motives and constantly pray and seek guidance. Don’t start posting pictures of yourself in clothes you wouldn’t normally wear with people you don’t really know. Lay low and let God do the rest. I promise, He will do a better job.
“Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.” Romans 12:19
Be Better-this is a hard truth to face but there is no better time to man up and look in the mirror than during a divorce. How do you need to improve? Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that you’re great and everything is everyone else’s fault. Take responsibility for your faults and improve on them.
Hear your Haters-yep! I said it. The girls talking about you in the break room, the cousins that make passive aggressive comments, or the church member that throws scripture at you and won’t even speak to you in sentences? Hear what they are saying because sometimes they are right. After you have prayed and asked God to convict you of the things they have brought to your attention-listen to what God says and reveals to you.
“Till I make Your enemies Your footstool.” Acts 2:35
You’re More-People will gossip, slander, and say very hurtful things about you during a divorce. It will catch you off guard as well so guard your tongue and don’t be quick to snap back.
“Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong.” Job 6:24
After you have prayed and sincerely asked God to convict your heart of any areas that you need to work on personally-don’t let the hurtful words of others bring you down. You’re not garbage. You’re not a failure. You’re not sloppy seconds. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. You are what God says you are.
“As you come to him, the living Stone-rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him…” 1 Peter 2:4
Why?- I like to know why to everything. Why did God allow this to happen? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? You’ve got to be okay without the answers. You can ask God to reveal those answers but trust Him regardless of how he decides to answer you.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2
It has been some time since I went through my divorce. Since then, I will tell you that I have experienced a new level of rock bottom that I am thankful my divorce prepared me for. God truly doesn’t give you more than you can handle in Him. As painful as my divorce was, I have also seen what it looks like when a person stays and fights for their marriage. When they desperately pray for God to bring their husband and kid’s father home from his mistress. Prayers were answered-He came home and she forgave him. That is a rare love truly worth fighting for.
I have also seen the same scenario but despite the prayers of the praying spouse, it still ended in divorce. Watching a real life Hope Floats scenario play out before your eyes is heart breaking but God restores each and every broken heart.
Why is marriage so hard and such a tough fight? Because Satan absolutely hates the covenant that it represents with God. Our marriages have an incredible enemy and everyday we have to wage war against the enemy, not each other.
Whatever you’re going through, know that God loves you. You are going to make it through this and be better for it or God wouldn’t allow it. Trust Him. Cling to His every word. Continue to fight the good fight and keep the Faith.
Buckskin Faith 